The most traumatic experience in my life…

How is it that when someone thinks that now everything will be fine, takes care of themselves, do everything they can to prevent problems and so on, suddenly something unexpected happens. Something that has nothing to do neither with a diet nor with a genetic mutation.

On Friday while driving April to the park I suddenly felt a terrible pain in my chest on the right side. Normally I’d think that it’s some kind of a cramp but this pain was different and when it started radiating to my ribs on the back and to my neck I got afraid and called Nathan. As if he could help, huh? After around 30 minutes I started having issues with breathing and later I started coughing. When I got back home I called my doctor and she told me to go to the ER to check what was happening. In general, I was afraid it was something wrong with my implants but it didn’t really fit to the situation because they seemed totally fine.

When the doctor tried to listen to me she couldn’t hear my lung on the right side at all so they did an x-ray. It turned out that I had a collapsed lung. It means that the air started getting to a pleural cavity which pushed my lung down and eventually it dropped… I mean, collapsed. The part of my lung that was damaged stopped working so that’s why I had troubles breathing.

They sent me to a hospital where staff waited for me already, I didn’t have to wait in line. They checked my vitals and all that and then I saw a doctor who told me she had to put a chest tube in. It scared me but she assured me that it’d take only several minutes. I was to feel a lot of pushing and pounding, whatever she meant by that, and some pain but not that much. I’ll never understand why they lie like that to patients!

It turned out that the whole procedure took longer than expected because the doctor realized that my ribs are very close together and she couldn’t go through. They still hurt me now. I got a shot that was supposed to numb my skin so that I didn’t feel cutting my skin with a scalpel and that’s all.

Listen, that pain I felt during that procedure was unbelievable, I can’t even describe it. The worst pain in my life, the worst experience that I went through. I was laying on that table, wriggling,  crying and literally screaming from pain and fear. Nathan wasn’t allowed to be there with me so he was waiting outside watching everything through a window. I would just shout asking her to stop because I couldn’t handle it anymore. I felt that tube going through my ribs on the back, I arched my back when that happened. Some time in the middle of everything they told me they could give me some morphine but I refused. Not only were we almost at the end of everything already but also morphine is something I don’t want to have in my body. At the end a nurse (who I’ll file a complaint about because she did a lot of things that she shouldn’t have) put a tape on me in a wrong way so they had to take it off and put it on again…

I don’t remember much of what happened later. I remember recording videos on Instagram in which I told you, with tears in my eyes, about what happened and I also added then that I was waiting for Nathan who then was in a store buying some food for us. I was waiting for a room back then. And later… I have no idea what happened, I don’t even remember a doctor who I saw and who came to me the next day and told me we met already. The only thing I remember is when they brought me to my room and I had to transport from one bed to another. I don’t know what their plan was but I told them, still crying, that I wasn’t moving, that it hurt too much and so if they wanted me to go to that other bed they had to move me themselves. And that’s all, I don’t remember anything else.

In the hospital I stayed three days, two of which I still had the chest tube in, still being in pain. And stress… Almost fear. That something would happen again, that they’d do something to me again… I felt that I had to be ready to protect myself so I was tense the whole time. Nathan stayed with me in the hospital for the whole time and left me by myself only to go to a grocery store or to visit the girls who stayed with their grandmother. Other than that he was always with me and after they took the tube our (it was painless but very stressful) he slept with me on my hospital bed and it really helped. A lot!

Nobody knows why it happened. They say it happens just like this for no reason but I don’t believe that. In my opinion there’s always a reason and since I have the mutation they really want to try to find that reason. One of the doctor’s ideas is that since I was a second hand smoker for 21 years I had air bubbles on my lung and they popped because of a pressure change on an airplane. On the other hand though he said he doesn’t know if that’s possible because it happened a week after my last flight. He also said that he wants me to see my oncologist to make sure it’s not cancer which I definitely doubt. What’s interesting, they told me that it usually happened in tall people.

And now what… I have a trauma after what happened. I’m afraid to go to bed by myself because when I close my eyes I see myself laying on that bed, screaming from pain, scared. It’s hard for me, I’m anxious and I have tears running down my cheeks when I start talking about it. And I have to talk about it because this is the only way for me to manage it all. This is one of the reasons why I’m telling you all about what happened here and I don’t expect anything at all. I just hope I’ll have some relief.



I’ll talk to you next time,