I don’t feel like I’m not a woman, I don’t feel less feminine than before either. Also, being a woman is not only one’s appearance, not only body parts. In tons of cases looks don’t make much of a difference because what plays a huge role is a well-being, self confidence, behavior. The appearance goes on the back often.
I don’t think that women deciding on not having a breast reconstruction aren’t feminine. No, I don’t. Everyone makes their own decisions and even though I wouldn’t do it this way I admire women who this is the best option for.
But a few days ago while being here in Silver Falls listening to other people (and to myself too) I realized how hard it is for me to be with my new body. Because to me it’s still new, I’m still not used to it. Right after the surgery when all the emotions started coming on me I felt disgust of my own body. I mean, of my breasts, to be exact. Even thought I looked pretty good the day after my surgery (comparing to others’ pictures I saw) it was still a change I wasn’t able to accept. I thought it’d go away and it did a little bit. I’d even say most of it is gone because I don’t feel the disgust anymore at all. In general, I like my body, I like how I look and my self confidence is much higher now than before. The problem, though, is that I still don’t feel like this is my body. When friends ask me if they can touch I let them with no problem at all mainly because I don’t feel those boobs are mine. It’s more as if there’s something on my chest, that it’s not me, it doesn’t belong to me.
My plastic surgeon did a great job, really. I’m impressed with his work. The thing is that women usually have fat grafting which is a liposuction of fat in their bellies or hips which is then put in their breasts by implants so that everything looks more natural. In my case this isn’t an option because I don’t have enough fat on my body in order to take it out. That’s why I can see where my implants end, especially during my work outs. And no, it’s not terrible or anything, I don’t look as if I had balls on my chest, no. But I see them. Which can be also caused by the fact that I look at them a lot.
OK, you know what I have a problem with? I feel embarrassed when Nathan looks at me when I’m naked. I try to avoid this and be in a bra at least when he’s around. When I just pass him by it’s fine but I don’t like when he pays attention. I don’t know why. When I’m in my clothes then everything is fine, I even wear shirts that are cut lower than before. I thought it’d be gone after the second surgery but seems like it’s still difficult for me. And Nathan is awesome. He told me he accepts me, that I’m beautiful to him and that those are his boobs :). Even then it’s still a mystery to me how to manage this feeling.
Do I regret my decision about the surgery? No, I don’t. I know that this is a huge change and turned out that I’m a little overwhelmed. At the same time I believe I’ll handle it and the embarrassment I feel will be gone.
Thanks for letting me put it out there ;).
I’ll talk to you next time,