I get sad when I see another marriage who submit for a divorce. It seems to me like what ends is something that doesn’t have to end. As if they gave up without a fight. And I’m not talking here about fights like throwing plates but about a real work on yourself and your relationship. Of course there are situations when a divorce is the best solution, things are different, everyone has a different situation. It bothers me though that people go an easy path so often and they throw away their chance for a great life. An incoherence of characters? I’d call it differently.
I sometimes think about my relationship with Nathan and some strange things come to my mind, I wonder for example what would have to happen for us to get a divorce. And what comes to my mind… In the past a great reason for me would be if he didn’t want to have any more kids because it was so important to me that forgetting about it would make me very unhappy. And he wouldn’t want to be with me if I wasn’t interested in Alicia at all and if I wanted to have kids and then put them in a kindergarten and school. Non of us would throw divorce papers on the table without talking about it very seriously.
Because you know what the problem is? People don’t talk with each other. And you can say “I do talk, I sometimes even lose control over my emotions” but this is not what I’m talking about. I don’t mean yelling, calling names, offending, blaming and so on. I’m talking about conversations and listening to one another instead of fighting for everything. And you know what’s the best thing? You can be mad and talk to someone with a respect at the same time.
Recently I thought that you might think by reading my blog that I send you signals that our life is perfect, that everything is great and we never argue. This isn’t true but I don’t talk about these situations on my blog. Let me tell you now though, you can’t imagine how Nate sometimes pisses me off! For example, it really annoys me when he feeds April and after that he leaves bottles everywhere and then I just walk around the house and collect them and then I need to sanitize them because they’re gross. Or when I sometimes tell him something and he totally forgets about it and is very surprised when I remind him. These are small things I’m telling you now but the bigger ones happen too. But man, we can go without offending each other, without fights and reminding each other about what happened in the past.
I still struggle with the past so it happens to me to raise my voice, to explode. I sometimes tell Nathan that in this moment I feel like hitting him in the face because I’m so mad that it’s hard for me to sit still. But I never offend him, I never call him names and blame him. And you know what, in most cases my state is caused not only by what he did or said but also by other things like being tired or having other problems. Everything comes together in me and if I don’t talk about these smaller problems after a while they’ll become huge.
But it doesn’t happen to him. He doesn’t explode. He can explain everything having a respect toward another person even when it’s easy to see that he’s very frustrated, he also doesn’t let people do whatever they want with him. He doesn’t fight with himself and doesn’t force himself to be calm, it’s just the way he is. That’s way after our fights nobody leaves the room slamming the door and I don’t send him to sleep on the couch… It’s the opposite. Everything is talked through, problems are solved or awaiting solving, everything is said so there’s no weir atmosphere and we can hug with no problems.
Anger is a very interesting thing as well, if you think about it it’s more complicated than we think at the beginning. We like saying that we’re mad at someone but is being mad really what’s really happening? What about a sadness? To me this is the first thing to happen but this is ignored… for different reasons. Maybe because someone is embarrassed when sad because thinks that others will make fun of him. Or he wasn’t allowed to be sad during childhood (“ok, stop crying, you’re a big girl”). But I think the main thing is that by admitting sadness in front of other people we become vulnerable. That’s why it’s so easy to be mad because it’s safer and then we hurt someone so we win from the beginning. Do an experiment and some time when you start being angry stop for a moment and ask yourself what you really feel and forget that anger exists for a moment. Think what’s happening with you, how the situations is affecting you. I guarantee you that in most cases you feel sad.
I’m sure you know those movie scenes where one person keeps reminding about something that happened in the past to his partner and resents him for that. Resents him because this was never resolved! I don’t agree that it’s good to scream at each other sometimes because it clears the atmosphere. If you feel cleaned than good for you but you need to remember that it’s all because the problem is still there. All these traumas and resentment are still there and later nobody talks about them. Instead, they keep reminding about them to the other person while fighting and you see, divorce comes.
We’re not perfect to the whole world because in general “there are no perfect people” and each one of you can have a different idea of what it even could mean. We’re perfect to each other in our own ways. We make things work even though there are hard moments, we go through the life together. And we sometimes have very difficult talks when I sit there for five minutes because it’s very hard to say something. But it’s worth fighting for a trust and a relationship like this when you can feel safe and even the most difficult things will be said eventually. And we keep going because we care and we don’t take things for granted.
Talk to you next time!
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