Kids are bad from birth and parents are saint – mystery solved!

Some (like me) think that kids are born with so-called “white card” and all of their likes, beliefs and characteristics keep forming over time while growing up, based on their experiences from the very beginning of their lives and based on experiences with people they’re surrounded by. Perhaps there might be some predispositions to certain skills like, for example, drawing, but nothing is formed yet. Other, however, believe that children have their characteristics settled right then when they born and the way they will go is already planned. That’s why so many people think that kids who are rude which means – in most cases – they don’t do what their parents want them to do, it’s because they were born this way, they’ll always be like this and nobody had any effect on how they are.

So I am here now to share with you my arguments for that tons of things affects us and influences the way we are as children, what kind of adults we’ll be, how we treat others, ourselves, who we’ll die as and what we’ll leave after us in our kids.

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I don’t believe in anything like “tell me your Zodiac sign/month or day you were born on and I’ll tell you what kind of person you are”. In my opinion this is just nonsense because the fact that you were born on Thursday or Saturday has no effect on how you are later. And there’s an example right here. If a kid plays with a toy that’s taken away from him he’ll get upset which is pretty obvious and I’ll never understand being surprised in situations like this. It’s as if someone came up to you, took your phone and went away. You wouldn’t be happy about it and it doesn’t matter if you’re a Virgo or Aquarius or that you cried a lot when you were a newborn. But if this kid will hear something like “oh, you’re just so bad all the time” or “don’t pay attention to him, he’s a typical Scorpio/typical rogue/he’s just this way” then it’s not only that his feelings are ignored completely, he doesn’t have any support in others or nobody to trust, he’ll also fall into feeling guilty and his self-confidence will drop significantly and he’ll be full of anger not only because he can’t express it but also because he hears things like this about himself.  If you kept telling your kid that she’s very, very shy she’ll start thinking this way about herself, then she’ll start introduce herself like this and act like this as well which happened to me before and I talked about it in this post. Kids will never think this way about themselves if someone else doesn’t call them that first.

In most cases all over the world parents think that the way they are with children is great, that they’re awesome caregivers, they don’t make any mistakes and nobody should ever confront them with anything regarding their ways of treating kids. Like someone who threatens their child: “if you’re not acting well I’ll leave you with this man!” This is terrible. The way we are with each other, our friends and children has a huge influence on them and affects the way they’ll be in the future. Of course I’m not saying it’s about parents only because it’s also about teachers, grandmothers, aunts, uncles and so on. But just for this post I’m focusing about people who usually are with children from when they’re born – parents.

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What inspired me to write this post was what one of my friends on Facebook said. She wrote that her son came back home from school saying that his friend hit punched him in his stomach. One of her friends added then: “what’s wrong with kids these days?!” So then I said that in my opinion there’s nothing wrong with kids and a huge part in all that are parents, how they are, how they act and so on. Then she said: “in my case it’s not me, it’s my kids”. So not only has she said publicly that she has “rude” children and she has no idea what to do with it, she also showed that she doesn’t make any mistakes. And I see her sometimes in a grocery store. I see that here she’ll pull her son’s sleeve, there she’ll yell that he can’t touch something, once she pushed him when he was reading a label on a jelly. And she then still claims hat what she does doesn’t have any effect on how her kid is.

When a kid doesn’t like something he’ll get upset or he’ll start crying and then a parents gets mad, yells at him, sometimes spanks, other times will send to time out, will take a toy away, will change a plan and won’t take a kid to a playground. Then this kid sees clearly that his emotions aren’t accepted, that he’s punished, that the parent yells at him, uses a physical and mental force, is scary and it’s all for no reason at all. And then the same parent is surprised that his kid is full of aggression…

You know, if a child is 5 years old let’s say and her nature is somewhat shaped by experiences like this, it’s hard to change it. It’s possible, it really is but it’s hard. Not only because it stays inside her very deeply (and I know this on mine and Alicia’s examples) but also because to fix all that first to change are parents and this happens rarely and it even harder.

About small babies… This annoys me even more. I’ve seen it so many times in restaurants. There are families with babies who can’t walk yet. Children like this are curious about everything, they look around, make sounds, cry, laugh, talk, yell, touch everything, they’re not able to sit in one place without moving for a longer period of times, especially not when there’s a lot of things happening around them and this is so NATURAL and means that they’re developing well and healthy. I’m not able to count how many times I saw parents shushing kids like that, when they’d yell at them, grab babies on their shoulders and shake them in order to make them quiet and so on. And how can a baby like this be relaxed, cheerful, comfortable later after being treated like this? The way with no respect, understanding, compassion, love… but in a stressful and not very friendly atmosphere. Same thing with kids would happen if they were in a family with parent fighting all the time who don’t show any warmth toward each other, where there’s physical and mental abuse. Kids watch all that and absorb everything like sponges. Like I said before – children aren’t stupid but parents are the ones who make idiots out of them.

It’s all so easy to see! Take a cheerful, talkative and full of trust kid and leave him in a house with a couple who fight all the time, where there’s no love whatsoever. Pick up this kid after several days. I guarantee you that he’ll be totally different. And it’s just a few days… Not like it usually is – years.

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It makes me wonder how many people totally don’t realize that their behavior can influence others and not only kids but people in general. It amazes me how rarely they see any chance that the fact that their kid is closed and anxious is because he was always humiliated as a kid (for example, “leave it alone, you can’t do anything right!”), wasn’t free to do anything, wasn’t able to express his feelings. And what if a girl as an adult will abuse her children because she was treated this way as a kid or even if not beaten she still has so much anger inside that she doesn’t know what to handle that other way? If a parent does realize it and he knows that he hurts his kids but he keeps doing that anyway there are two options. First is that he does it because then a kid does whatever the parent want (because of fear) so he’s very comfortable and his life’s easier this way. People like this are assholes. Another option is that the parent knows and tries to change it but it’s not easy. I keep my fingers crossed for these and I’ll be honest – I know how it is. The key here is to stop and think when we do something that brings this weird feeling like “hey, there’s something wrong, I went to far”, then sit by a kid and explain what happened, admit what you did and solve the problem instead of ignoring and being afraid to admit your own mistakes in front of you and your kid. A mistake isn’t a failure.

People often think that, for example, “oh, he’ll cry and he’ll stop” or “he’ll laugh at this in a few years” or “nothing will happen, he’ll forget tomorrow”. Some kids forget and some don’t. Some won’t remember what happened exactly but the emotions and feelings will they forever changing the way they’ll be in the future.

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It happened to me a lot of times because unfortunately I come from a home where there wasn’t too much of a warmth but we had a lot of blaming, yelling, anger, lack of trust. That’s why later when someone told me something that made me feel threatened the first thing I’d do was a defense and it could be me raising my voice, me arguing, throwing something I held on the floor or leaving the room. And that happened in situations when the other person didn’t mean anything bad, didn’t yell, wasn’t angry. Those were just words that turned on this reaction in me and this was caused by my experiences from my childhood because I wasn’t born this way. And I saw differences in Alicia’s reactions regarding my behavior. For example, I remember than once when Nathan told me something (I wish I remembered what it was) I suddenly tensed my whole body and started almost yelling at him putting down a shoe box so hard that it opened. You know how Alicia reacted? She hid behind Nathan’s legs. And right then at this very second I felt really bad and sorry for her. And sorry for Nathan as well. Situations like that happened from time to time and each one of them made me think more and more about it and I realized how much my childhood and teenage years influenced me and how much work I have to put in fixing all that. If I had a full loving and caring family and nobody would abuse me mentally in school, I very much doubt it that I’d ever treat Nathan or Alicia this way.

And then, after something like this I would take Alicia and explain that I know what I did, I saw how she reacted, that she got afraid of me and so on. And then she’d explain exactly how she felt and I listened to that and everything was fine afterwards. Like I said – a change like this isn’t easy but it’s possible and I’m talking from my own experience. You just need to believe it and want it.

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Do następnego,

Aga

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