#59 Breakfast with Aga – thank you!

Today a different form of the post but you know how it is… I opened te edition window two hours ago and this is the first sentence I’m writing. I have no idea how to start… I even have no idea how to go further, how to end, nothing. I sometimes stand in the middle of the room when I don’t have anything else to do, I stare somewhere and cry. I often distract myself because I know that if I don’t get busy then all the thoughts will come up and it’ll be end. And if not Nathan, I’d break into pieces. I feel very sad and I’ll be very sad for a long time. Today (Tuesday) we’re going to Warsaw and we’re coming back on Saturday. My sister’s funeral is on Thursday and I… I’m simply not ready to say good bye forever. I can’t imagine this day, it’s scary.

I’d like you to remember that everyone goes through things like this differently and the fact that I post a photo of me smiling doesn’t mean that I’m not thinking about my sister and that I don’t miss her because I do think and I do miss. But I do have to live my life as well, I can’t just stop and be depressed. I can’t and don’t want to.

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You think that I shared all the bad news already? Nope, it’s not the end yet! I’ll give you more because if I can handle this you can as well, especially because I’m the one worried here. They found a tumor in my brain that’s around 2,5cm big. I have the tumor in the middle of my brain, get it? And it’s almost 3cm big. My neurosurgeon said that they don’t know what it is because the MRI results won’t tell them. He said I have three options. First is removing it which is scary to me and it’s not an option. And it’s not only because they’d open my skull and do something in my brain but after the surgery I wouldn’t be able to see to the left. And this would happen for sure but nobody can tell me how much and for how long, maybe forever and then I wouldn’t be able to drive to the rest of my life. Second option is a biopsy to check what it is exactly but they don’t know how much blood there is inside of the tumor so it’s possible that if they cut a little piece off then it’ll start bleeding to the brain and they’ll of course stop it but they won’t have that much of a control in this case. The third option is one more MRI in 4 months to see if the tumor is growing. I chose the option number 3. And I’m not going to sit here waiting only! If it grows… I’m fucked. It’s just ridiculous.

Today I saw my breast surgeon who’ll do my mastectomy and she said that they’re booked for the rest of the year so I’ll probably have to wait for January for mine but she also said they’ll try to squeeze me in this year because they know what I’m going through and they know that the time is very valuable in my case. So I’m waiting for a call.

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And this is a photo that makes me smile a lot!

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I wrote two posts a while ago that I haven’t posted yet so I’m going to schedule them for when I’m gone. If you’d like, feel free to leave comments and send e-mails but I’ll get back to you when I’m home.

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Talk to you next time!

Aga

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