Several days ago me and Nathan talked about this and now I think about it… You know, in general what’s happening in my life is great and so on but if I look back into my life, smile from my face disappears. Me as a 24-year-old Agnieszka has accepted a lot of things at this point but when I go back in my memories to myself as a, let’s say, 9, 12, 15-year-old girl, everything isn’t the way it should.
Do you know what I heard before my arrival to the US? Why am I even going, I won’t handle it, I’ll come back crying, it’s a hard work to take care of a child, I’m not good enough for this, that I should take care of my sister (she’s 22 years old, by the way), and so on. When I was doing whatever it took to pass my driver’s test, I heard: you’re wasting your time and money because you won’t pass it anyway and why to do something so stressful. When I was traveling to concerts and other events, I heard: you should do something more important and more serious instead of traveling in Europe “like stupid”. And when I heard a question if I was going to take my final exam and I said ‘no’, I heard: you’re so lazy, you’re not even thinking, people will point fingers at you, I’ll never find a job and “everybody should go to the university”.
That’s why I got my license not telling anyone about it and the same with au pair application procedures – I finished everything not saying a word to my family. Only a few people knew about me leaving and I didn’t want to talk about this any further. And when the day of departure came, I left home before 4am together with my sister when the rest was sleeping and had no idea that I just moved to the other side of the world. And I didn’t feel bad about it at all. What’s more, I think it was the best thing I could do at that time!
After I came here, not only once or twice I heard that some of my “family” think that I’m ungrateful, I don’t help anyone, I don’t do anything and I don’t have to worry about anything, that I’m the worst in general.
Do I even know what it means to be supported by anyone? Yes, I do. The real support I felt was here when I met Nathan. Of course, earlier I had a few people who wished me the best and they still do but there was always something missing. It was this warmth, understanding and feeling that there’s everything fine with me, that my decisions are the best ones I could make for myself, that I’m not a “lazy, stupid and bad person” only because I fight for my own life. And that I could be sure that when Nate has a different opinion about something, he won’t start preaching but he’ll listen to what I want to say.
So now I kind of have two lives, like I said at the beginning.
The first one is that I live here and now, I have a family, baby on the way, I do some other stuff and everything’s great. I’m not worried that I don’t keep in touch with my family in Poland, that the last message from a person who theoretically was supposed to be one of the closest ones was: “buy me a phone and send it to me, it’s cheaper there”. It doesn’t bother me what they think and say about me because most of them are simply jealous. I’m totally honest here that if you live here and now, after solving problems and talking about them first, it’s much better! Of course I’m not saying we shouldn’t have any memories or anything like that but what I mean is that things from the bast that are still in our heads block our future… And the “now and here” is lost.
My second life is this picture of me from before I came to the US, especially from the time when I was a teenager, when me and my sister were left on our own pretty much. Of course, we were there when there was a need to get mad at us, yell a little bit, fight and so on but when we needed something? Everyone was gone. You know what I heard once from another person who was supposed to be one of the closest as well? Exactly this: “I love Dorota (my sister) more because she looks like your mother more”. You can’t even imagine how something like this stays in your head. Even though now it doesn’t hurt anymore, I definitely limited contact with this person explaining everything first. Ignoring things like that is very, very hard and I fully understand that. You sometimes have to do a lot to make it work… In my case this final act was moving to the other side of the world. I know that if I stayed there, I’d go into this toxicity more and more.
I’m glad that I kicked butts of all those disbelievers!
I know it’ll be kind of trivial what I’m going to say but I’ll say it anyway… Don’t you ever give up when others make something hard for you. They always have some kind of a goal and it’s usually well hidden. They’re happy when they see how you suffer and how you go deeper and deeper and at the end – the worst thing – you begin doing what they want you to do. There’s NOTHING wrong with having your own opinion even if it’s different than others’, including your parents or other close family if you have any.
Live your own lives, do what makes you happy even if it means working in a clothing shop to the rest of your life if this is what you love to do :).
So I’m talking about this not only because, like I already said, Nate and I talked but also because today (Friday) it’s my 24th birthday so there’s a little bit of a nostalgia out there :). So happy birthday to me!
Talk to you next time!