What a day it was! I woke up very early at around 6AM to go to bathroom and normally I’d fall asleep after going back to bed but then I couldn’t fall asleep anymore. I think I was stressed 😉 So I got up and went downstairs to eat some breakfast, then Nathan left to work and he came back after three hours to pick me up and we went to the hospital. It was supposed to be a 3D scan and we both were prepared for that but a receptionist didn’t understand us or something and we had a 2D instead. Well… We still have time to do 3D too and for now, on top of the post, you can see my favorite pic because the baby waived its hand and it looks like he/she was saying “hiiiii!” which is super cute, I think.
My exam took a long time because the baby was positioned the way we couldn’t see anything. The woman was pressing on my belly here and there to provoke the little one to move but when he/she moved it was still not the right way and we saw crossed legs 😉 But there are positive sides of this too because we could listen to the heartbeat longer and look at the baby moving inside. And he/she was very active and it was so cool!!! Nate recorded several videos during the whole visit so we’ll have something to go back to. And it was so cute that this baby a size of an orange put his/her hand on the forehead and then moved it down as if he/she wanted to say “come on, I’m not going to show you anything, leave me alone” 😀
What surprised me a little bit but I liked a lot too – the woman asked if we wanted to record the heartbeat on a little plastic thing and choose a teddy bear or something and then to put this recording inside and if you press on the teddy’s heart, you’ll hear your baby’s heartbeat. I obviously said yes, I do want it! It was for an extra charge but we got a CD with pictures, an album for them and prints too of course for free.
Almost at the end of the visit I had to go to bathroom and when I came back I saw a big difference in my baby’s position. The woman showed me my bladder before and after and, for real, after I came back the baby was much more straight and moved more than before. I need to admit that before I left to the bathroom I was very excited because everything was so new and I had my first ultrasound when I was at 7 weeks or something so it was a huge difference in baby’s appearance and it was amazing to watch this little human living inside of me. After I came back, though, I was stressed out because I realized that hey, I came here to hear that it was a boy and what if I was about to hear that it was a girl? In the end, chances are 50/50 and you can’t do anything about that.
At one point I heard from her: “oh, I know already!” So I looked at her and then went back to the screen in front of me and she said she’d say when she could find a picture good enough so we could see something too. It didn’t take too much time because legs weren’t crossed anymore. If I remember well, we heard a question if we were ready so we nodded or something and she didn’t say it but she typed it on her computer and we could see this on the screen…
I’ll be completely honest with you guys: I cried a lot and later I was crying even more in the car and couldn’t stop for a long while. Because I felt as if I really lost this son who I never had, you know? The one existing in my head. I’ve known for years that one day in the future I’d want to have children and I’ve always seen a boy. If I talked to someone about a baby, I’d think of a boy. I even had a dream one night not long ago and there was a boy. I completely didn’t see myself with a girl, although I love Alicia! And so I kind of fell on a very hard ground that I can never change and suddenly all of my ideas, dreams and hopes popped as a bubble and this is pretty hard to take.
All of my fears came out – the fact that I’m a woman and I know how hard it is to be a girl because of all those comparisons and competition which one is prettier, has bigger boobs, more boyfriends, a shinier dress… it all starts very early. Plenty of girls/women I met in my life were types that I didn’t want to have anything in common with so I have bad experiences with women (no offence, not all of them!). And several more things. Also, I honestly felt afraid that I wouldn’t be able to love her the way I’d love a son and at that point it was still “baby”, not “daughter”. I’m very happy that Nathan was there and he supported me a lot when we were in the car and I’m really happy that I have a man like that!
Since we both were hungry, we went to a restaurant still talking about this and touching other related subjects too. This is one more reason that talking about everything you have inside of you – literally everything – allows you to feel better, much lighter. And when I talk to someone who doesn’t judge, doesn’t preach and comfort the way I don’t like, it’s even better.
After lunch I proposed to stop by Target and buy some first clothing item for the baby (you can enlarge the pic) because I had to start getting used to it anyway 😉 and I also thought it’d be a cool way to inform Alicia about the gender of her sibling. It went very well and Alicia guessed almost immediately and were very happy! It was cool to see her like that. And I felt really good when she said: “Aga, I know you’re sad cause you wanted to have a son!” 🙂 Well… Actually it wasn’t the first thing I bought for my baby. I got the first one before I got pregnant.
I wrote the part above on Tuesday, one day after my ultrasound. Right now it’s Wednesday and I’m going to finish it now. I feel much better with the way things went and I look at the pictures with a big smile on my face, I talk to someone being excited. I’m still a little bit disappointed and I still want to have a son but it can still happen in the future! I felt better yesterday when two of my friends came to visit – May and Briana – because we talked about everything and since Nathan helped me a lot on Monday, and then them too, I started to be excited at mid-day and later even more but I’ll tell you about this in a minute… My imagination hasn’t started to work yet and I still don’t see this girl but I know that she’s here with me and if she’s not sleeping right now, she’s listening to the music with me. This is my daughter! And yesterday I cried and I called Nathan because I wanted to tell him what happened but he didn’t hear so he didn’t answer… I felt her moves!! Two light and short kind of punches close to each other and I’m sure this is what it was. I got so excited that cried. So it’s not only that the day before that I found out the gender but it’s also that I felt her moving so soon after that! And I think it helped me a lot with feeling better and getting used to the thought that it’s a girl because everything is simply so real right now!
So, for the end, I can’t wait for when I start planning the nursery and I create a list of things to buy and then I start buying everything… It’ll happen sooner than you think 😉
Talk to you next time!