I’ve been feeling kind of weird lately, you know? I’ve been like this for a while but I couldn’t really define what it was. Actually, I think I still don’t know. It’s not that I don’t like my life or I suddenly changed and I told myself that I’d prefer to have something different and everything is just a mistake. No, it’s completely not that. I think it’s more about some sadness inside of me that tries to go out in different situations and I can’t describe where it comes from exactly. On the other hand maybe I’m thinking about this too much and maybe that’s why everything seems so complicated.
I need to start with the fact how terrible I feel all the time. I hoped it’d start to get better but it’s worse than before. For example, I’m not able to go downstairs without stopping a few times on the way and sitting on the floor because I’m so dizzy. I’m home alone whole days so I don’t have anyone to ask for help with anything and I don’t have anyone to talk to. Nate has to work and my friend moved to California. Yesterday and today I’ve been laying on the bed having some drinks and snacks by me because I obviously don’t feel like cooking. Actually, I don’t feel like doing anything and I’d rather sleep through this time but then when I sleep, I have those odd dreams and they sometimes stay in my head for the whole day which I don’t like. I wanted to be pregnant for a long time and I’m really happy it happened but I didn’t expect I’d feel that bad from the very beginning and, honestly, I’ve had enough. I really hope it’ll get better but nobody can be sure about that because things happen.
Another thing is that when I’m alone I have a lot of time to think and different kinds of stuff come into my mind. Negative ones too so I’m afraid of some things which will or will not happen in the future.
I’m afraid that something will go wrong and that not everything will go as well as it has been so far if it comes to some medical tests, mine or my baby’s. I’m afraid that I’ll feel the same to the very end, that nothing will improve. I’m afraid that I’ll be alone for the whole time and I won’t have anyone to ask for help and Nathan can’t stop working for I don’t know how long. I’m afraid that I won’t be able to go back to my dance class during the whole pregnancy; that I’ll have huge stretchmarks which will stay forever. I’m afraid that I won’t handle things the way I imagine; that I’ll be disappointed with myself. I’m afraid that I’ll be gloomy, too tired, that me and Nathan will get far away from each other, that we’ll stop talking; that I’ll watch all the cool movies (by the way, can you recommend me something?). I’m afraid to see results of a gender tests that I’ll have in two weeks and I don’t feel “not worthy to be a mother” (it’s from the Internet) because I dare to dream about having a son and it’s easy for me to say it publicly.
Moreover, I feel sad. Sad because for obvious reasons my mom isn’t a witness of anything in my life and I don’t believe in any angels watching from above. Because most of my family doesn’t give a damn about what’s happening with me and I don’t really feel like talking to them anymore. Because I’m planning to go to Poland next year because I don’t that if I don’t go then nobody will come to visit me and I really care to see my friends and that some of them will meet my baby. At the same time I know I won’t go there every year and I’m already tired of hearing so many claims about that. Because I feel lonely every day when I’m laying on the bed alone and watching movies; because I had so many things planned and right now I can’t do anything and I don’t know when I will. I’m sad because I feel ignored when I talk about my problems. In responses I hear that everything will surely be okay, that I make a victim out of myself, that others have worse. If you’re about to say something like that then I want you to know that I won’t respond and it doesn’t matter who will say it. I know that people usually comfort others in good faith but in my case it gives the opposite effect.
Some time ago I received a comment that I’ll copy here because it’s a little about my post. And remember that I talk about my feelings and I don’t force anyone to do anything so you really don’t have to agree with me.
“I can’t be happy with no reason”.. I’ve been reading your blog from the beginning so I don’t know if you already talked about this but I remember a subject I’d gladly read about from you 😉 It happens for me to be in a bad mood, when I lack joy and motivation. I found a medicine for that though. When I realized that a thing I have to do or a situation I’m in are one of inevitable stages of achieving your goal or sometimes just stages of life, then I have a little bit more strength to fight the adversities even when they exist in my head only (often when we worry or stress about something, we think about things that will never happen). Also, at one point I started to feel mad at myself that I’m loosing beautiful and good days only because I have a negative attitude or some weakness. That’s why I try to stand besides myself and look at things from a different perspective and I do put an effort and I CHOOSE to be cheerful and to see things in a better light, to notice the gift of life and that at the same moment there’s a million of people who would find my situation as their dreamed one because there’s so much suffering next to us and what we have assured is appreciated not enough. This helps me to feel better and to be more thankful. Even when it doesn’t change my mood, it always change my attitude.
I know a lot of people who think this way that instead of focus on their problem, their fears or sorrows, they decide to find some positive side of a situation. Just something, what’s important sometimes is to find anything. Some time ago I was in a place where some girl was talking about a really hard time in her life and she was crying while saying that. Another person interrupted her and said: “but find a positive side of everything… You know what I see? I see that you gesticulate with your hands so smoothly, it’s beautiful to watch!” And suddenly her whole problem disappeared and she probably felt ignored, not accepted, etc., and also the problem stayed there. The same with what’s happening in the world… I heard it very often in my life from all kinds of people; when I had a problem, I heard: “but look, others have worse situations!”, even once when someone found out I was vegetarian, he dared to say: “children all over the world starve and you, stupid, are fussing like that, they’d kill themselves to be in your place”. I know that this sort of attitude works for a lot of people and for you, the author of that comment, as well. Not for me though. I think that it’s pointless. When I’m sad then I’m sad and I don’t want to pretend that I see positive sides in a very bad situation for me, when I don’t see them at all. I don’t want to think that I shouldn’t complain about how I feel because in this very second there’s a lot of women who find out they had a miscarriage. I feel compassion for them and I can’t even imagine how they feel but I don’t want to ignore my own problem because of others’, I want to take care of myself. The same with those adversities existing “only in a head” – in my opinion, if they’re in your head, they’re very alive, very our own and I don’t think it’s a good idea to ignore them. I think it’s good to focus on them and even to go through the whole situation in our thoughts, etc. If I feel bad mentally then I prefer to think about it and to solve the problem than to put it aside. Because, in my opinion, finding positive sides is putting the whole problem on a shelf and this way nothing will ever be resolved. Because a person will think: oh, I feel better so it helped, but for real the whole problem stayed inside and I guarantee you that it’ll go out much stronger because this is simply how humans work and everything is just gathering inside and then we have stomachache, headache, bumps on our face, we get fat or skinny and we don’t know why… And the answer is so simple! I’ll add one more thing – “a thing I have to do or a situation I’m in are one of inevitable stages of achieving your goal or sometimes just stages of life” – exactly! Why to ignore it then?
And I think this is why I wrote this post. Because I feel bad and I don’t want to force myself to write something positive, cool and about something else. It wouldn’t work. I really don’t expect any compassion or anything, I just wanted to complain and thanks for the fact that I can do it here. I’ll be happy to read some of your opinions and stories if you want to share something.
Talk to you next time!