few days ago I mentioned my plans to do a series of posts which will be
different than everything I’ve done so far. This is going to be something that
Nathan showed me (for people who don’t know – Nathan is Alicia’s – my
“host kid” – dad). The way I haven’t known before and the way I can’t
imagine my life without now. I’d like you to know something more about me and I
decided to introduce you to this part of me.
parts… First will think: “hey, she’s right, how could I not think about
this before?!” Second one: “what is she talking about?! I can’t stand
it anymore, this is so wrong!” Well, I want to hear from you. I’ll appreciate
it and I’ll willingly answer your questions and discuss whatever you have
will be posted in two versions – English and Polish. It’s because I want to
share everything with other au pairs, and not only au pairs, but people from
all over the world. We’ll see how it works.My weekly posts will be still available in the same way – every weekend! This series will be posted every two weeks around Tuesdays/Wednesdays. You’ll find all of them in the menu bar after I create a new tab for them.
on Facebook groups for au pairs about what’s the “best” way to treat
kids (for example, one man compared raising kids to training dogs); how to talk
to them (or rather – how to train them); how to make them do whatever parents
want them to do, even when they don’t like it very much (because adults always
do what they hate, right?); how to ask (I mean, manipulate) to make them be the
way parents want them to be; how to shape their personality and beliefs (so
they can’t have their own, independent life)…
about this more than anything else. I saw there was a new video posted on one
of those groups on Facebook. It was posted by a woman who was working with au
pairs and their host families for 15 years and who believes that “most
problems can be prevented with good in-depth communication”. She posted
this video, typing a description exactly like this: “I am rolling on the floor lmao. Watch this hilarious video! Love it!”
I thought: oh, okay, so I’ll have some good time watching this if it’s that
funny! I watched it then and I ended up with my jaw on the floor. So, I asked
myself, where was the funny part, did I miss something?
Their mother is pregnant so both parents want to let the kids know if the new
baby will be a girl or a boy. They have a cake and the color inside it will
tell them the answer. Pink means a girl and blue means a boy. The boy takes a
piece of the cake a little bit higher so he can see the color, and he sees
pink. He starts saying: “it’s a girl!, It’s a girl!!!” and then he
gets very upset, he’s totally crushed, he can’t believe what’s happening… The
parents, especially father, don’t seem to care, at all. The same with most of
the people who posted some comments out there.
able to read what I experience while watching it, what others think and then
you’ll know what’s the difference between our ways of receiving stuff like this.
especially the boy. He’s smiling and it seems like he’s almost sure he’ll hear
what he wants to hear. Even when the father is asking a question about what
they think, he says: “I think it’s a boy!”. The girls want one more
girl and it doesn’t surprise me, at all. So what the boy says and how he says
it tells me how much he wants to have a brother what is obvious in the
situation when he has two sisters already. He wants to have a brother to do
“boy-stuff” instead of playing with dolls and so (I don’t know what
they play with, just guessing). He just wants to have someone like him. They’re
still laughing and the first who takes the knife, is the boy. He takes it a
little bit higher and he sees pink. His face changes completely in one second.
He raises his eyebrows a bit and it tells me how unsure he is about this. He
asks “it’s a girl?!” few times, his voice is a bit shaking which
means he’s getting more emotional every single second. He points at the cake
and then he sits down on the chair with no energy in him. He keeps looking at
the cake and his parents and he does the same few times, still hoping that
maybe they’re joking. The girls seem to be confused by what’s happening, they don’t
smile anymore either. He starts to cry, he doesn’t want to believe that he’ll
have one more sister. The little girl on his left is smiling, looking at
someone behind the camera. The second one doesn’t really know what to do – she
just looks at the table (looks concerned). Then, the girls look at the boy and after
a while they go away what, in my opinion, is caused by someone who called them.
For me it looks like they wanted to leave the boy all alone in the video
because it was so funny for them how he reacted that it “has to be
published!”. He’s the star from now. He keeps crying, he repeats he
doesn’t want any girls, he has enough, he really doesn’t want girls, he doesn’t
like them, he wants to have a brother. He’s very sad, disappointed, he doesn’t feel
understood because his father asks him “are you happy?” even then,
when he sees his son crying so much. So now the boy is sitting on the one side
of the table and the girls are on the other one – separated as if there’s
something wrong with the boy because he’s crying and the girls are happy, like
they’re better than he is because he shows his emotions and he’s not afraid of
expressing himself then. He says he doesn’t like girls but he can’t feel understood
and supported because his father doesn’t care about his feeling, at all. He
seems not to notice how bad his son feels and he argues with the boy by saying
“oh, you love your sisters!” even after he heard exactly what the boy
said. Even if the boy does love them, it’s not the way he feels right now, right
this second. The boy yells at the man because he said he didn’t like them like
few seconds ago. Then the father says “alright” which is his way to
finish this talk, not listening to his son. Father’s voice sounds like he
thinks “you’re being silly, you’ll be fine!”. Also, the father says
the boy should’ve been prepared for this disappointment and, I think, it makes
the boy think there’s something wrong, he’s not prepared so this is kind of his
fault because if he had prepared before, he wouldn’t cry. Anyway, the boy still
cries, it’s hard for him to talk, and he still repeats the same over and over
again because nobody actually hears what he’s saying. He wants his feelings to
be acknowledged. He wants others to get his point, to understand how difficult
it is for him to have two sisters and to live with this thought that he’ll have
one more. Nobody has to agree with him, everyone can have their own opinions
but what’s important is that nobody tried to pay attention in a better way than
recording a video. The boy has totally no influence in this case and this is
even worse feeling – he can’t change what he hates, nothing depends on him. He
sees his future with three girls (four if you count the mother) and he’s just
depressed. He even turns his head to a different direction because of this. The
boy feels completely ignored by people who, in his eyes, should show him
something more than just recording everything and being amused by what he’s
doing – the boy definitely has a different opinion on it. Moreover, the boy
still repeats the same (maybe he still hopes someone will hear?). The father
interrupts him in the middle, though. It feels like the boy doesn’t have any
rights to say anything because his dad says “say goodbye to
everybody!” and it shows me how much he ignores what’s happening. The boy
has a lot of anger in himself and he’s not allowed to express it in any way.
Even the girls seem to be a little bit confused and this is not surprising
because on the one side they see their brother crying and being very, very sad,
and on the other one they see their dad not caring about the boy and being in a
good mood, what I can conclude from the tone and the sound of his voice. The
boy doesn’t stop and then the man stops recording. He should’ve done it much earlier,
though. Also, I think publishing video like this is just sad.
YouTube, I found another one with the same family. I was shocked when I saw
they were talking about this in FoxNews! You can find it below.
idea of having one more sister, most of the people like the video, they think
it’s funny. And I guess the parents are happy that other people can recognize
them, that they have their friends and family’s attention, they’re
“cool”. I don’t believe that they asked the boy what he thinks about
being in the American news, being in the internet, showing him to people from
all over the world. It’s possible he feels embarrassed and nobody has an idea
about this. Do you see this moment when the host asks the boy if he’s happy now
that he’ll have one more sister? Do you hear how he says “yes”? Does
it convince you? Do you believe in it? Do you think he says what he really
thinks? I don’t. I don’t believe in it, at all.
video, I’m surprised how people taking care of kids can think this way. I don’t
want to undermine your competences or insult anyone. Maybe kids really like you
guys but I just can’t believe what I see. I was reading this with my mouth wide
open. So, here you have eight examples from these I don’t like (I keep the
kid. Common it is funny! I would be posses too if I was a kid…stuck with 3 sisters
haha” (There’s a mistake, I guess.
Should be “pissed” instead of “posses”.)
video in 10 years he will laugh his asset off too” (“Asset”? Is it a censorship?)
tantrum at that age is not unusual. And the reason why he throws a tantrum is
pretty funny. He wants a brother and not another sister. Poor little guy is
just going to have to suffer through living with another sister. I don’t think
he has a choice in the matter. Hysterical = very funny.” (The comment from this woman who added the video. I don’t have words…)
😀 😀 :D”
sad.. especially for the sisters.. I would have stopped the camera and let him
get a time out, until he calmed down.. or perhaps a time in.. with a hug.”
really is funny and noone is bullying the kid, hell lough about that one
day” (This is the comment directly
to me. By the way, “lough” means “laugh”, I guess.)
with it is the dads response “You got the same reaction I did.” If
and when the girls sees it, she’s gonna feel awful. Other than that, it’s
funny. But they shouldn’t have let him go on for THAT long about it. A minute
is funny, but any longer and it’s annoying. The parents should’ve jumped and
consoled him properly, and at the same time talked to him about it properly,
but sadly they think that parenting nowadays is videoing their kids tantrums
and showing them off to the world instead of parenting properly. It IS funny,
but they could’ve handled it better than just sitting there with a video
also comments like this in general – I didn’t copy them all.
suffering kids. It’s such a pleasure for them to watch crying and sad kids in
pain. They like it when they feel bad and it’s funny for them to watch kids
being powerless. I suspect that they enjoy having this power over them, of
knowing that they will be frustrated in the end. Perhaps the reason for this is
that they suffered the same treatment in their lives and that it feels good
when someone else experiences the same because then they’re not alone with this
feeling. I would like to hear more from those who find this video amusing what,
precisely, it is that they find pleasurable.
seriously”. As you can guess, I don’t agree. I can imagine myself in a
situation like this. I see me in a very bad mood because something terrible
happened to me, I’m crying, I can’t talk freely because of my tears, I’m very
sad. And then, the only people I trust, are recording the video and are amused
by my reactions even if I don’t see anything funny in what I’m experiencing
right now. I don’t want them to treat me like this. They don’t have to give me
any advices or say anything to make me feel better. Listening would be enough.
But they prefer to make fun of me and then show other people how I reacted
instead of just being with me when I need them.
just the age… “Oh, he’s just a kid!”. In my opinion, it doesn’t
work like this. Everyone has their own right to be themselves. If a 80 year-old
woman cried out loud on the street, would you say “oh, it’s just the
age!”? I don’t think so. So why do you say this about a kid?
what I saw earlier so I don’t have to repeat myself, I hope. Also, I think
those who felt compassion to the girls instead of the boy are that kind of
people which don’t accept others when they have a lot of strong feelings and
they actually express them. Maybe you’re tired of listening to a crying kid,
maybe you’re not “patient” enough, maybe there’s something else, I don’t
know. What I know is that there are two options for the future. First is that
the boy will laugh watching the video and second is that he won’t believe how
his parents could be like this and they did something like that. If he laughs,
that’s fine but this won’t change anything! What matters is that he was suffering
at that concrete moment and found no comfort from those he trusted most.
you can find just few of a lot of things that nobody said and which would be
very helpful for the boy. Those are typed in a different color to make it
easier. You can also find some comments in brackets which will tell you where
exactly were those parts I was talking about earlier.
Me: You’re really disappointed that it’s a
It’s a girl!?
it’s gonna be a girl.
Gunter: (Visibly in distress, looks defeated.)
Me: You didn’t want a girl!
It’s OK Gunt. It’s alright! (Here Dad
contradicts Gunter’s feelings.)
I knew it was a girl! I hate… don’t want another girl!
you had the same reaction I did, bud. (Gunter
doesn’t care what dad feels or felt at this moment; Gunter still hasn’t been
Me: [To all]: Gunter does not want another
Gunter: (Sobbing) I don’t want a girl!
It’s alright. (Again, contradicting
I won’t eat the cake.
don’t want the cake because it’s a girl?
I knew it was a girl!
Me: You were afraid of this from the beginning
and now it has happened!
It has jelly in it! (Clearly not tuned into
I don’t like girls!
you like your sisters. (And now he’s
arguing with the boy as if to change his mind, telling him how he feels.)
No… Not anymore, I don’t! (Gunter now
switches to defending himself against his dad’s lawyering.)
Casey, are you happy?
(Looks angrily at Gunter with arms folded
before the answer.) Yah!
Harper, are you happy?
Yah! (She’s daydreaming about jelly.)
It’s girls, and I’m not happy! (Here
Gunter points out that they are biased, and HE is unhappy, that is HE and not
Gunter are you happy? (Here implying that
since Gunter’s feelings are different from his sisters, his feelings are
No!! It’s stupid!! (Looks like he’s
getting upset, probably fed up with the games his dad is playing.) I knew
it was a girl. I knew it. It’s another girl! I hate girls! Every time it’s girl
girl girl girl! It’s all gonna be girls!
girls! It’s always girls! I don’t want girls!
Really enjoying this…
that’s alright. (What exactly is alright,
I want to leave this house and never come back! I want to live by myself! (Understandable when your mother laughs at
you while your father argues with you because you feel disappointed. On top of
that, one sister resents you and the other just wants you to eat jelly.)
I don’t want another girl, it’s too much girls! I don’t want five girls,
it’s too much!
don’t have five, how many girls will we have in our family? (Again with the lawyer act…)
Three! I want.. It’s OK if we have two boys and two girls!
know, that’s what I wanted too… (Gunter
doesn’t need anyone to agree with him. He needs to feel safe while expressing
his feelings, free from people trying to change him, ridicule him, or
… I knew it was a girl, and it was girl!
Dad: (Sounding annoyed) Well then you should
have been prepared for this… disappointment. (Translation: Son, you’re an idiot for not having come to accept this
Gunter: (Realizes he is talking to people who cannot
hear his feelings, stops trying.) I don’t want a girl… I want to leave!
you’ll love her, you’ll love your new little sister. (Here the dad is antagonizing Gunter.)
NO!!! I don’t want more girls!
want zero girls! I want a boy!
Gunter, say goodbye to everybody.
No! I don’t want to!!
Most of this boy’s emotional energy was spent in
repeating himself in an effort to be heard by someone and in the frustration
and betrayal that comes from finding that your family can be very unkind when
you have unpopular feelings.
well because I know this feeling of being ignored, not being able to be myself
and being reprimanded when I had a problem. For example, when I was 11 years
old, my uncle died. The uncle who I loved very much, who I spent a lot of time
with. I felt very good with him, he cared about me and my sister. He wasn’t
sick or anything and it was shocked for everyone – a sudden death while
sleeping. My grandmother (maternal side, his mother) called and told us about
this. I started to cry and I couldn’t stop myself. At first I didn’t try to
stop, though. But then my family, I mean my father and his parents (I lived
with them) started to tell me not to cry. They kept saying: “Aga, there’s
no need to cry! You shouldn’t cry that much!” No need to cry? I shouldn’t?
I couldn’t believe what they said because I’d never see someone who I loved!
This is the thing that made me feel depressed and they were telling me not to
care. Telling me that I shouldn’t cry was like telling me I should be happy he
was not around anymore. I felt totally alone. And then, a month after his
death, I had my 11th birthday. I was in a better mood and I wanted to invite
some of my friends to a little party. And then I heard from my family:
“how can you think about this after what happened?!” and “you
have no respect toward your dead uncle!”. Then I started to cry again and
you can guess what I heard: “why are you crying again?!” I was
extremely confused because when I cried and I was sad, it was wrong, when I
tried to live normally, it was even worse. So I was asking myself: how should I
act now? What do they want me to do? I didn’t have the answer and nobody seemed
to listen to that 11 year-old girl who lost her uncle after just three years
after she lost her mom. I just closed myself and I kept all the feelings
inside, just for myself. There was no sense to show them to anyone if they
treated me like this. It was not right for them so I decided to be even more alone.
I’m saying “more alone” because I felt like they left me alone. I
tried to change it but it didn’t work so I went further away from them. One more example: when I was 15 I was a huge fan of
one of the very popular bands for teenagers at that time. I was waiting for
them to come to Poland and one day I finally found an information about their
visit in my country. I was very, very happy and excited. I was preparing for
this day and when it came, my father said: “you’re sick, you’re not going!”
I had a sore throat and a little bit of cough and that was all, I felt good.
Firstly, I started to say how important it was for me, how much I wanted to go,
how much I wanted to see them and how disappointed I’d be. Especially because I
didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to go for the last minute. My father kept
saying: “I don’t care, you’re not going, I don’t want to go to doctors
with you afterwards, it’s not that important, just few guys, you’re
silly!” Well, it was not important for him, he didn’t want to go to doctors
(in Poland, at least at that time, you had to be 16 years old to be able to go
to a doctor by yourself), he wanted to choose the way that would be the easiest
one for him. And he was telling me how I felt. He didn’t think about me then,
at all. What I said, was totally not important, it seemed to me like he didn’t
even listen. He ignored me completely. What was not important to him, was a
very big dream for me. When I cried, he started to laugh, saying how
“childish” I was. It felt horrible not to be understood and
treated like I was crazy because I really wanted to do something that he didn’t
after things like this, I created my own shelf and I started to hide in it. I
didn’t see it possible to talk about my feelings because I didn’t feel I’d be
supported. I was too afraid people would laugh at me, ignore me. So it was much
better not to say anything instead of taking such a high risk of being rejected
in your life. Usually people don’t have problems with showing their happiness,
they smile when they’re happy, they say something good happened, they talk
about this a lot, etc. But they don’t show it when they’re sad, when something
very bad is happening, when they’re crushed, lost, they don’t know what to do,
they’re mad at someone. They don’t cry in public, because when they were young,
their parents used to tell them “don’t cry, shhh, calm down, everything is
fine!”. Kids can’t say how angry they are after someone calls them
“little cuties” if they hate it when people call them like this. They
need to smile or they’re forced to say “thank you” (you remember
this: “say thank you!” or “how should you say now?”?)
Parents get mad at a kid who’s sad, who cries and makes people look at them,
wondering what’s going on. They feel embarrassed so they prefer to cover the
child’s mouth (what I’ve seen a lot of times) and force him to stop instead of
stopping for a moment and give the kid few minutes to talk about the problem.
Parents don’t show any empathy, any love, any support, they completely don’t
understand, they’re not trustworthy because how you can trust someone who
doesn’t care about how you feel and what you think. So later, when these kids
are much older, they don’t talk to their parents about their problems, they
don’t want their parents to interfere with their lives. Why? Because they don’t
trust them enough, they don’t think it’s worth it to talk about problems, they
don’t believe they can be understood. And why is that? Because a long time ago
the parents didn’t let them express their emotions while being sad (or even
very happy – when you run around and you’re being calmed down by someone
because you’re “too loud”), they didn’t let them be angry when
something bad happened, they didn’t let the kids be themselves. It was just not
right. Also, I’m sure a lot of you heard something like “other people have
worse problems!”. But at that moment, your problem is the biggest for you
and you don’t care about other people who you don’t even know, you want to
solve yours and this is the most important thing for you now.
too much and you should never cry in public, never be sad when you have guests
at home, never be mad because it’s wrong, hide these emotions, don’t be worse
than other people!
things from the video I talked about effect the kid for later. It’s possible he’ll
have little respect towards other people, parents in this case, but this is not
because he was born this way – he was NOT. It’s just because the parents (and
not only parents) were treating him like this during childhood. And I know I’m
going far, far away with this but when I see this attitude toward children in
the father, then I can imagine a lot of different situations which will result
in adding sadness and anxiety to this boy’s life.
someone, whether it be a spouse, friends or family, then it’s very important to
treat them as human beings. Not as things without any feelings because everyone
has feelings, doesn’t matter how old you are. Sometimes a “little
thing” for you can be a HUGE thing for someone else. It’s like a circle –
if a parent is aggressive toward a kid (or a friend is not fair toward a
friend; or if sister lies to a brother; etc.), then the kid won’t have any
calmness in his life and, in most cases, will be the same way as his parent.
Then his kids will be like this and then next ones and next ones. Everything I
said in this post, and a lot of different things I haven’t mentioned yet, goes
exactly the same way.
your mind. My goal is to show you a different way of looking at things – to show
you my way that Nathan showed me after I came here. This is something I believe
in now and I want to share it with you all. Maybe some of you will find
something interesting for themselves, maybe not, but at least I’ll feel I did
what I wanted to do.
I’ll be glad to read your reactions about what I said and your point of view. Also,
I’d be thankful for sharing this post with others.